This is my apology blog...

...I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I've not been the greatest friend lately. I'm sorry that I can't seem to figure out how to handle this. I'm sorry that I really and truly don't even know what "this" is. I'm sorry that I say things and then do the opposite. I'm really working hard to change that about myself. I'm sorry that I'm not myself right now. I'm sorry that I know I'm not myself and I'm sorry that I don't know how to change it. I'm sorry that It's getting harder and harder for me to share my feelings and be open about anything. I'm sorry that I keep thinking about the past and letting it decide my future. I'm sorry that I have so much to be sorry about.

I know I have a good life, no, actually, I have a great life. And for that I am so grateful. So what's wrong with me you ask? To be honest I'm not sure. But don't worry...I'll let you know when I figure it out. Until then...try and put up with me. If you can't, I'll understand. Just know that I love my best friends and family to death. And I don't just say that lightly-I would do anything for each and every one of you... and I want you to know that I may not be myself at the moment..but I'm a strong girl, and I'm overcome harder times. This isn't any different... just be patient with me. Without you guys I wouldn't have the great life that I do, and I thank God for all of you every single day.

I love you.

I will not become Rory! I won't let that happen. But yet, here I am...

Ugh.

---I got some super cute gloves at the Target.

I'm very happy about it.

Now all I need is a new coat and a scarf. And maybe some cute boots.

Hhmm..Hot Rod, yeah..I'm totes watching that later.

That'll cheer me up.

Blah.

I think something is wrong with me, I've had the worst appetite lately.

Like for real, I don't feel like eating anything.

I try-but then I just feel sick.

I'm just not hungry and nothing sounds good.

NOT EVEN CANDY :O

I think I'll go to bed.

As I sit here in my English class and pretend to write this paper-I've come to realize that about 40% of me has another dream, a dream to just drop everything after I graduate, pack a bag and take a train somewhere. Leave my cell phone behind. Make money selling paintings on the road, sleep in hostels, live cheap. Travel the world, take a camera and just live. Live without worrying about tomorrow, no stress, just loving the world around me. Explore new cultures and meet new people. That is my 40% dream, someday I hope to fulfill that dream. Maybe I'll even find someone else that has the same dream and wants to go with me. But all I keep asking myself is ..What am I waiting for? Honestly, what?

PostSecret....basically describes my life on a daily basis. This one in particular, because its true, in a myriad of different ways. Today I felt more alone then I have in a very long time, it hit me like a ton of bricks while awkwardly standing in a room full of people listening to a bands that I've never heard of. (one guy was actually good, I bought his cd. That's beside the point)..I felt like I was in a fog, I blocked everyone out, all the noise and just sat there. Alone and thinking...for me that is not good. I try and keep myself busy all the time to distract me from things that I don't want to think about, but sometimes I just can't help it. I'm so ...blah... not my bubbly, funny, sweet self....just kinda ...blah. I know I will snap out of it soon, so I'm not worried. Just annoyed, tired and lonely. Please don't take this as a "feel sorry for me" post, because that is far from what is it. It's just me, expressing(or trying to express) what is going with me each day(or week, or month).

Okay, now that I've successfully blogged 3 times, looked through tons of postsecrets, facebook stalked, watched a show about zombies, read failbook & lamebook, and google earthed my own house, I think it's time I try and sleep.

Goognight, all.

I have until January 4th to get this done.

I can do, I have to do it!

I believe in myself...

and that's all that matters.

California!

Well, California was basically amazing. It was so great to finally be able to see my best friend again. I know it had only been a little over five weeks..but that is just tooooo long to go without seeing your bestie. haha. ...Every in LA is soooo different than anything in good ol' Fort Wayne. The people, the buildings, the food, the roads and just..everything! It was a lot to take it at first, but after the shock kind of faded, it was really cool! Very interesting, it definitely keeps you on your toes. But all in all, I liked it!

Pinks has amazing fries and cheese dip, diddy riese was so yummy, going to a movie and sitting next to a drugie gets you free movie tickets. Catfish was a great movie, even better because it was free. Some moments consisted of writing/recording raps and watching The Office, Hey Arnold and a bunch of random thriller movies. Santa Monica Beach was absolutely gorgeous! Probably one of my favorite things we did while I was there was go to that beach. The weather was perfect, I was having a good hair day and we had two cameras. It was just a good day! We also found SARKU JAPAN..in the most amazing mall I've seriously ever been in. It was half inside, half outside. I don't know how else to explain it, but I still want to know what they do when it rains! haha.

Walking on Hollywood Blvd. was super cool! It's like a whole different world over there, I felt kind of out of place..but it's all good. I had such a great week, I wish I could go back now!