What's on your mind?....

......Oh that question seems to always be staring me right in the face. Every time I turn on my computer, click on my little Mozilla icon and log into facebook it just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks. It is such a simple question, or at least it should be. But why is it that I have the hardest time answering it? Is it possibly because I have a hard time letting people deep into my every thought? Yes, I know you don't have to give a deep answer to this question every day, but why answer it if you aren't going to answer honestly. And more often than not I have a deep answer at heart, just waiting to get out. Again, it doesn't always have to be deep...but isn't that kind of the point? I mean, that is why people get things like facebook, myspace, twitter etc. They get them to share their thoughts, feelings, problems and joys. For most people it is much easier to post a status or blog about your inner most thoughts instead of telling it to someone's face. But I actually find it to be opposite in my case. I would rather talk to someone face to face. I, on the other hand, become more open when I can look into someone's eyes. I can tell how much or how little I want to share and what I want to share with that person. But when you post things online you are just throwing it out there, for anyone and everyone to read. Not knowing who is reading and what they are thinking, scares me. Not being able to read their eyes and body language seems a little odd to me. I've always wanted to keep a journal of some sort..but I've never really been good at it. So why should blogging be any different? I don't know. But I really appreciate it when people share their feelings and tell what they are thinking so openly. So I am trying to do the same. I hope I get better at it, because it really does make me feel better. To just babble on about nothing and not worry about anyone getting annoyed or bored, because if they are, all they have to do is not read. Haha.
So what am I getting at with all this blabbing about status's and such? Honestly, I'm not quite sure. I think maybe in some kind of hidden way I was trying to let out my thought of the day(total fail, btw). Hmmm... okay well it's time for me to get my laundry out of the dryer. Put them away and hopefully get some sleep(not likely but it's whatever) Goodnight, dear friends. :]

Why?

Uuugh.
Today started off really great! Finally got to work(it was super fun, btw). Then I went to Naked Clay Cafe! That was amazing! Loved that. But as the day went on...it got very blah. And now I'm all in this depressed mood and just eeeeh. There is just constantly one big thing on my mind right now and its freakin annoying. But on top of that I have 106 other things that are just ;ALKDSFa;dsklfj. I won't be in this mood tomorrow..I know it's just tonight..but all I want to do it sleep. Which by the way I haven't in like 4 nights. I get maaaybe 2 hours of sleep..if that. I don't know why...stress maybe? I don't want to deal with the future. It really freaks me out when I think about the next year of my life... so instead of thinking.. I've been glitter gluing my work name tag and the pad lock for my locker. It's totally baller! ..I hate feeling like this because then I feel like I'm bringing everyone else down. And that is not what I want, at all! (my stomach hurts). Lately I've been feeling way to closed in. I need to branch out..come out of my box and meet knew people..do knew things! Maybe that will help make me feel better..idk. I have goals for myself when it comes to getting out. Out of my box, my comfort zone, the norm. And believe me..I will achieve these goals. I wish I was one of those people that didn't eat anything when they are depressed instead of eating the entire kitchen. Haha then maybe my losing weight goal would actually happen. ..I think another thing that is really bothering me lately is that I miss people..I hate missing people and there are just so many people that I really miss. It makes me sad..but that's life..it's whatever I guess. I need to start drinking more water during the day. My back really hurts, I wish I had a heating pad that didn't sound like it was about to explode every time you plug it in. Haha. This is just a blog about nothing..I'm sorry. I only have a few things left to do in school for this year! Wahoo! Then it's summer..YAY! ...You know what I really need?! I hobby. I think I need a hobby. I wish I had something that was just a side passion. Something that you won't do as a career or anything but it's something that you like and that's fun. Something like a sport(hahahaa me?!) Theater(nah. eh.. idk. maybe?) Cooking(pshh). I can't think of anything. :(

So here I sit, in my room..blogging my little heart out. But to completely honest..I'm not. There are so many things I wish I could write on this thing that I have just bottled up inside..but I can't. I mean..it's not like the feelings I have are mean or bad or anything! (because they aren't!) It's just stuff that would cause to much discussion... discussion that I never asked for and really don't want. So instead of saying what is actually in my head I will babble on about nothing..hoping that in doing so, something of substance will slip out. ...well..it was worth a shot. Maybe next time?

I am a peacock.....

....So what does this mean? Allow me to explain.. A few days ago I had one of my training days for my job at the zoo. In this particular training day we learned about shop lifters and how to deal with such people and we also learned what animal we are. We took a personality test without knowing what animals there were and without knowing what they mean. The reason we did this was so we know how to talk to customers and know what animal they are( it got more in depth..but I won't give you the long version haha because it lasted about 2 hours) But anyway.. you could either be a Panther (someone who is kind of cold..very straight forward and doesn't like to waste time). A dolphin( someone who is quiet, soft spoken, hates being yelled at and is a peace maker). An owl(someone who is very analytical and pays attention to every detail..is also quiet but can be loud when it needs to be). Or a peacock(someone who is very out going, can talk to anyone, loves hearing/telling every detail of stories and loves to talk. someone who attracts people). I was like 90% Peacock 10% Owl. I know that this simple little test was just for work..but it really got me thinking... I'm not sure why. I'm so happy that I got peacock.. I really do think this test is very accurate. I could really see that everyone else who took it was truly like their animal characteristics! It would be interesting to see how many people it really works on. But now..every time I talk to someone I am analyzing them. haha! Trying to see if I can tell which animal they are. But one thing is for sure...I figured out..I don't often get along with Panthers. I mean I'm sure I get along with some...but for the most part..I don't and that's okay! That's how life works.. I'm sure most dolphins probably get annoyed with Peacocks because we're loud. Haha so it's all good..it was just an observation! ..On a whole other note..MY ROOM IS DOOOONE! Yay!! I'm in love with it now..Its completely amazing! I can't get enough of it. Hahaha. ..Subject change.. I've decided that I'm gonna really try and go with the flow of life. Yes..I know that is going to be hard for me..but I really think that is what I need to do. Just live life. Be happy. Go day by day without worrying to much about tomorrow! I'm seriously going to try. It is my summer goal! Hah. Please be a good friend and help me do this. I don't know how much you can help..but idk..try. ;]
OKAYBYE.

Tyler from Menards

I LOVE Menards. Juuust saying..it is my new favorite place to shop. ;] ...annywhay...I ORDERED NEW CARPET. Finally!! Oh my goodness I can not wait! my room is painted..im just in the middle of doing a few touch ups here and there. Tomorrow we are getting the other dresser and ed is putting my closet together soooon! :) YAY!! ..Today was such a good day. I went to my first day of training at the zoo..it was basically just 3 hours of paper work.(yuck) But it wasn't bad! I start my real training Monday and the zoo opens Saturday! wooot! I work Sat. & Sun. and for those two days..I'm the monkey girl. Haha..I stand at the exit with a giant tree of monkeys..yelling "$5 monkeys! Get your monkeys here!!" Haaha! My manager said she thinks I'd would be good at that. Lol. But that's not all I'd be doing every time I work. I will work in different areas and such. But I'm so excited! Haha. ....Okay well...sorry it's such a short post..but I need to keep painting! ...Talk2UL8er! :]

Home Alone.

Earlier Alexander and I went to goodwill (I got me some preetty amazing/completely ugly T-shirts Yay) then to walmart to get painting supplies. Then we came home...and my entire family=Alex left. Baseball game and dinner. I stayed home to avoid the sun haha! Watched someone of the most awkward people in the world try and sing then fell asleep. I was woken up by text message and NOW I'm awake and home alone...and scared. =\ It's dark out and I think someone is down stairs waiting to murder me. So since this is my last night on earth..I thought I'd blog. Hahaa! I'm so thirsty but waaay to scared to leave my room. I even locked the door! Lol I'm such a big baby.
..uugh. Oh well. When Alex gets home we're going to SPACKLE!! :D can't wait! And since I just slept till nine..I shouldn't have any trouble staying up late. Okay well this was a pointless blog. BYE. :]

Spackle. Spackle. Spackle.

Hellooo world!
Hmm.. I just got done dancing around my living room for half an hour. (thats the only exercise I ever get. Ha) Now...I'm sitting on the floor..voting for the Alex's and watching hsm3 :] ..I've been avoiding doing math (with a little help from facebook) UGH. But I should probably start working on that sometime soon here. ..Eh. Tomorrow sounds good. Haha. I'm feeling much better about my portfolio..thanks to Mr. Pancner. He gave me a little pep talk this morning in class and some things he said really opened my eyes. I need to stop over-thinking and over analyzing every little thing. My drawings/paintings will turn out a lot better if I chill out. Today was a really good day! I went to art. Came home and had a birthday bash for my midget Camden. Then Tyshia(my new friend) and I went out to eat and shopping! Yay! Tomorrow should be a very lovely day as well.. Meeting with Ivy tech/IPFW in the morning(yuck) Then Alexander and I are gonna go shopping, get paint and then spackle my room. I'm so excited because we are painting my room Friday! FINALLY. Then I should be getting carpet soon after! Sooooo... yeah. That's pretty much my next few days..I'll be talkin' to you later!
Love ya,
Kirstin :]

Party balls, Chuck-E-Cheese and Baseball.

Wooow. It has most certainly been quite a week. Alexander and I had to watch the kids for 3 whole days..and boy oh boy did that take A LOT out of me. ..It wasn't really hard..they were very good for us. It was just looong. We were the coolest babysitters, EVER. We took them to his store and let each of them get a party ball and fill it with candy. Then we took them to Chuck-E-Cheese ..and Sonic. Then to the new parkview park (which is completely amazing btw. It is the PERFECT park for me because there is NO grass/dirt((which is perfect for my hate of touching nature)) ...idk..you just have to see it.) We also made brownies and they had popcorn and watched a movie one night. And Tordi got to hang out with us...which was fun because I never get to see him and I missed him :] It was actually kind of fun babysitting...but ohmygoodness...I'm sooo tired. I'm so going to bed right after I finish this.
Tonight I went to Cooper's baseball game..it was fun! I usually like going..if the weather is good. I mean if its to hot/cold I won't go..but I like cheering and supporting him :] I'm such a good sister. Haha. ...Oh! Saturday is the day I start my job training at the zoo!! Woot! I'm a tiny bit nervous though, but I'm sure once I know how it all works I'll be fine. I can't wait though, I'm seriously saving my money this summer...I NEED A CAR. No joke. Imma save save save. Speaking of which..I made a goals list today and taped it to my dresser... here is what is on it sooo far...
(in no particular order) 1. Pass my stuuuupid math class. 2. Get in shape. 3. Change carpet/paint room. 4. Work on portfolio hardcore. 5. Save for/get car. 6. Study/pass ACT's/SAT's. 7. Let these stupid bangs grow out (which won't take long..my hair grows fast) 8. Get tooons of new clothes. And so far that's it.. I will add to this list as needed. But for now that is all I have. ...Aw I just looked at my calender.. my little Cammy's 7th birthday is this Wednesday! I can't believe he is going to be 7! That's so weird. It makes me feel old...hahaa.
Oookay well I am falling asleep as I type so I should probably go to bed.
<3kirstin

Art. Math and Love.

Ugh. Okay where do I start? Lets see.... I guess I'll just ramble (sorry, it might get confusing).
ART. So working on my portfolio has been sucking. I feel very blah about everything I do and I end up hating all of it. I can't seem to express myself the way that I want to and its been frustrating me. Gaah. Why is it SO hard for me to come up with original idea?! I mean I want to be an artist for goodness sake. I should at least be able to come up with something on my own. But nooo. I have very little confidence in myself and my work, I don't know what to do anymore. Is this really what I want to do with my life? YES. I know it is. Its the only thing I've ever loved. I can't see myself doing anything different. But how can I feel so strongly about this and not convey it on canvas or paper?!
MATH. I worst four letter word in the whole freakin world. This stupid math class it making me feel so stupid, I know I'm not though. I'm failing and my teacher doesn't seem to want to help. I will probably end up taking this class again. (okay, whatever..I'll do that) It just makes me mad that I am paying to take this and all he says to me is "hope you pass, there is nothing I can do for you". Really?! Like what is that?! I don't even know. I have a few more weeks to get my grade up...I need to study study study for the final and pray to God that I can pass this class. Uuuugh.
LOVE. Ugh, okay..I am not one to sit around saying "I need a boyfriend" Or " I'm so jealous..why can't I have that" ...and don't get me wrong...I am truly very happy! ...But seriously. Its getting pretty old going on facebook and see all the stupid little hearts. I know I'm only saying that because I am alone. And I know that..and I also know that when it/if it does happen to me I will LOVE seeing that little heart on facebook for everyone to see. But until then...UGH. py for every single one of those people...most of whom really deserve it and I really am happy for them. But I just can't help but think.......why not me? I'm not pathetic or anything...I won't just go out with a guy because I feel like I need a boyfriend (so don't think that) It would just be nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who calls me beautiful. Someone to hold my hand. Someone who wants to hear what I have to say. Someone who isn't afraid of my family and its past. Someone who has God in their life. Someone to text me good morning and night. Someone to kiss and cuddle with. But I don't just want this for me, I have SO much love that I would be so happy to give to someone else. I want to make some guy feel special and show that I care. hmmmm....It just gets hard being lonely sometimes. But I know(hope) my day will come soon. I know that I deserve an incredible guy. Someone who will treat me right, even when I'm grumpy or even when my family has their crazy days. I just pray that God sends me that guy, and when he does..I will be the happiest girl on the planet. :] ...but until then..I'll keep praying. (Okay...girl moment over)

Wow...that actually helped a little bit...