This is my apology blog...

...I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I've not been the greatest friend lately. I'm sorry that I can't seem to figure out how to handle this. I'm sorry that I really and truly don't even know what "this" is. I'm sorry that I say things and then do the opposite. I'm really working hard to change that about myself. I'm sorry that I'm not myself right now. I'm sorry that I know I'm not myself and I'm sorry that I don't know how to change it. I'm sorry that It's getting harder and harder for me to share my feelings and be open about anything. I'm sorry that I keep thinking about the past and letting it decide my future. I'm sorry that I have so much to be sorry about.

I know I have a good life, no, actually, I have a great life. And for that I am so grateful. So what's wrong with me you ask? To be honest I'm not sure. But don't worry...I'll let you know when I figure it out. Until then...try and put up with me. If you can't, I'll understand. Just know that I love my best friends and family to death. And I don't just say that lightly-I would do anything for each and every one of you... and I want you to know that I may not be myself at the moment..but I'm a strong girl, and I'm overcome harder times. This isn't any different... just be patient with me. Without you guys I wouldn't have the great life that I do, and I thank God for all of you every single day.

I love you.

I will not become Rory! I won't let that happen. But yet, here I am...

Ugh.

---I got some super cute gloves at the Target.

I'm very happy about it.

Now all I need is a new coat and a scarf. And maybe some cute boots.

Hhmm..Hot Rod, yeah..I'm totes watching that later.

That'll cheer me up.

Blah.

I think something is wrong with me, I've had the worst appetite lately.

Like for real, I don't feel like eating anything.

I try-but then I just feel sick.

I'm just not hungry and nothing sounds good.

NOT EVEN CANDY :O

I think I'll go to bed.

As I sit here in my English class and pretend to write this paper-I've come to realize that about 40% of me has another dream, a dream to just drop everything after I graduate, pack a bag and take a train somewhere. Leave my cell phone behind. Make money selling paintings on the road, sleep in hostels, live cheap. Travel the world, take a camera and just live. Live without worrying about tomorrow, no stress, just loving the world around me. Explore new cultures and meet new people. That is my 40% dream, someday I hope to fulfill that dream. Maybe I'll even find someone else that has the same dream and wants to go with me. But all I keep asking myself is ..What am I waiting for? Honestly, what?

PostSecret....basically describes my life on a daily basis. This one in particular, because its true, in a myriad of different ways. Today I felt more alone then I have in a very long time, it hit me like a ton of bricks while awkwardly standing in a room full of people listening to a bands that I've never heard of. (one guy was actually good, I bought his cd. That's beside the point)..I felt like I was in a fog, I blocked everyone out, all the noise and just sat there. Alone and thinking...for me that is not good. I try and keep myself busy all the time to distract me from things that I don't want to think about, but sometimes I just can't help it. I'm so ...blah... not my bubbly, funny, sweet self....just kinda ...blah. I know I will snap out of it soon, so I'm not worried. Just annoyed, tired and lonely. Please don't take this as a "feel sorry for me" post, because that is far from what is it. It's just me, expressing(or trying to express) what is going with me each day(or week, or month).

Okay, now that I've successfully blogged 3 times, looked through tons of postsecrets, facebook stalked, watched a show about zombies, read failbook & lamebook, and google earthed my own house, I think it's time I try and sleep.

Goognight, all.

I have until January 4th to get this done.

I can do, I have to do it!

I believe in myself...

and that's all that matters.

California!

Well, California was basically amazing. It was so great to finally be able to see my best friend again. I know it had only been a little over five weeks..but that is just tooooo long to go without seeing your bestie. haha. ...Every in LA is soooo different than anything in good ol' Fort Wayne. The people, the buildings, the food, the roads and just..everything! It was a lot to take it at first, but after the shock kind of faded, it was really cool! Very interesting, it definitely keeps you on your toes. But all in all, I liked it!

Pinks has amazing fries and cheese dip, diddy riese was so yummy, going to a movie and sitting next to a drugie gets you free movie tickets. Catfish was a great movie, even better because it was free. Some moments consisted of writing/recording raps and watching The Office, Hey Arnold and a bunch of random thriller movies. Santa Monica Beach was absolutely gorgeous! Probably one of my favorite things we did while I was there was go to that beach. The weather was perfect, I was having a good hair day and we had two cameras. It was just a good day! We also found SARKU JAPAN..in the most amazing mall I've seriously ever been in. It was half inside, half outside. I don't know how else to explain it, but I still want to know what they do when it rains! haha.

Walking on Hollywood Blvd. was super cool! It's like a whole different world over there, I felt kind of out of place..but it's all good. I had such a great week, I wish I could go back now!

Phoenix

So, here I sit, alone in the Phoenix airport. Everyone seems to know what they're doing, where they're going and such...and I'm just waiting for the board to tell me what gate I need to go to. I'm just sitting here aimlessly watching all the people pass by. The flight to Phoenix was pretty cool, I didn't have to sit by any annoying people. Phew! Just a mother and her son(he was pretty attractive. we listened to my pod. haha) so that made the 3 hour flight pretty nice. Taking off was a wee bit scary, but not to bad. I'm beyond tired though, been up since 2:30am. I'm just ready to be in California with my best fraaand! Whelp. I'mma go explore and see if I can find out what gate I need to be at. Bye!

I'm very organized...

Things To Do:

(B4 I leave)

1. Clean out car.
2. English crap.
3. Text dad.
4. Buy earrings.
5. Nails.
6. Pack.
7. Make bed.
8. Charge camera.
9. Clean out purse.
10. Buy a backpack.

Things To Pack:

1. Shirts(11)
2. Pants(6)
3. Shorts(4)
4. Shoes(2-3)
5. Socks
6. Bras(4)
7. underwear
8. Jackets(2)
9. PJ's
10. Phone Charger
11. iPod
12. Books(2)
13. Meds
14. Toothbrush
15. Blow dryer
16. Straightener
17. Face wash
18. Make-up remover
19. Make-up
20. Small pillow
21. Camera
22. Movies?
23. English crap(leave in car at dads.)
24. Hair brush
25. Sunscreen
26. Costume
27. Don't forget: Tickets, Money, Wallet and Phone!

Things To Buy In California:

1. Conditioner
2. Shampoo
3. Razors (disposable)
4. Food

Mr. Tattoos

There is something I love and hate about libraries. I'm sitting at a table that is semi hidden in a corner, kind of hoping to be alone. I've been here for 2 hours now and I still have yet to write the paper I came here to write. You'd think, out of all the places in the world, a library would be the best for me to concentrate. Nope, not the case. So here I sit. Blogging.

And out of all the empty tables here in this giant library, this guy(we shall call him...Mr.Tattoos) chooses to sit at my table, right across from me. Great. Every time I start typing he looks up. I'm trying very hard not to make any eye contact this this guy. I'm not in the mood. But here he sits, reading his funny looking books and taking notes. He has very small hand writing....hmm. Now I feel like a creeper. I'm never going to finish this paper. GAH! My head hurts. I'll pay someone to write this paper for me. I have SO much I need to get done this week, but it will all be worth it once I'm in California!! Stress this week, relax next week! :)

...............Oh goodness, Mr.Tattoos is trying to talk to me. This is ridiculous.

Waking up...

...to people yelling down stairs is the best thing, by far! I hate it and don't liking having to deal with it, so how could I ever expect someone else to want too as well.

I want a little cottage, in the middle of nowhere, with tons of pretty trees and flowers all around it. I want the door ways to be arched and the windows to be round. I want the outside color to be grey-blue with some brandywine colored bricks. I want to paint one bathroom yellow and have dark maple wood cabinets in the kitchen.

70% Honey Badger. 30% Turtle.

"So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by"

Everyday I become more & more private.

Strange for me, I know.

((I don't expect anyone to understand any of this))

With ^^that^^ being said...

we can move on.

I'm trying very hard to not let any of this steal my smile away.

I like my smile, I need my smile.

I am a

Honey Badger.

Despite its small size, it is the "most fearless animal in the world."

{according to the 2002 Genius Book of World Records}

I am fearless.

I am the brave little Kirstin

(yes, just like toaster)

I always have been.

That's just me.

But there are times however, when I do turn into a

scared little turtle.

A turtle who loves her shell.

It's quiet, it's her hiding spot, it's her home.

But right now, I'm feeling like a turtle without a shell.

I'm nervous & anxious.

And I just want my freakin' shell back.

So yeah, basically I'm a

Honey-Turtle-Badger.

Cute.

What an interesting mix.

......Oh, you know.

WARNING. What you are about to read is Kirstin's free-writing. It's just whatever pops into her head. So most of it won't make any sense.

GO.

This week is going by way to fast. My best friend leaves for California Saturday morning at the butt crack of dawn. :'( But I'm really trying very hard not to think about that right now. I still have two more days! It's such a bitter sweet thing, ya know? On one hand I'm soooo happy that he is able to follow his dream and be where I truly believe he needs to be at this point in his life. And the fact that he is able to do this makes me smile. But on the other hand I'm just sad. He won't be here for the late night walmart runs or talk and tuck. But that is what skype is for! All I can say is Saturday is going to be one heck of a hard day for me. Goodbyes SUUUCK.

I can not stand some people sometimes. Gah!
People who one day are normal, or as normal as they can be, and the next they go completely psycho! Then ruin a great friendship and make people feel like crap.

I've been figuring a lot of things out that I didn't really know about myself. Like I keep a lot of things (potentially good things) from happening in my life because I'm scared. Scared of change, scared that I will get hurt. I'm just one big chicken. I know the reasons why I'm scared and when I think about it enough...I feel stupid for being such a chicken. But I still can't help myself. I'm scared about a lot of things.
List. (oh how I love my lists)
Relationships. (Arms length at all times.)
Friendships. (Goodbyes = badbyes) (but happy tears will also fall- they're following their dream. That's amazing and I'm completely happy)
Family. (Blood is not always thicker than water)
Dreams. (Showing them is like showing someone my diary. It just doesn't happen very often)

And yes...I know very well that most people also have trouble with at least one of the things I listed. And yes I know they're cliche. Which is why I don't feel like going into detail about each and everyone of them at the moment. I'll just let you think what you want.

I feel myself getting deeper and deeper inside my own head. Not good. I'm a thinker and when I think to much about something..I become nervous, anxious and just not myself. I need to break this habit. I go over every word, every detail and dissect it all until there is nothing left but a head full of mumble jumble and a heart full of worry and stress.
I wish I could just always express myself through post secret posts. Even though they are written by other people, I believe that some of them are truly meant for me. (Heather, I know you'll agree)

I'm done for now.

Sink or Swim...

I'm diving in. I'm gonna fallow my gut, and if I fail.... well then I'm gonna fail with style. At least I know I didn't give up. I AM going to be happy with the drawings I draw and the paintings I paint. I AM going to get into the college I love and I will succeed. Watch me. I've never been one to give up and and I'm not about to start now. Today just showed me that if I'm not bold and just jump in this head first then I just need to quit. And there was no way I was about to quit, so in head first I go. Today I also learned that I'm not going to care what people think. If they like it or not, if they get it or not. It doesn't matter... what matters is if I like it. If I keep trying to please everyone else around me I am never going to be happy with what I do. Of course I would hope that my stuff won't be hated, but if it is...then it is. Haha. Right now I just wanna draw until my fingers bleed...which it what imma do after this. I can't wait until the zoo season is over because that will free up so much of my time and make it easier for me so I'm not always so tired. Hmmmm....
(By the by, I feel as though you all should know that at this exact moment I am listening to N*sync. Just fyi. Haha)
I should really be in bed right now.
Don't let me forget, I promised Karina that I would put music on her iPod tomorrow after I get home from work and If I forget she will kill me. You know how the Russians do. ;) Lol
I took the kiddies to the zoo on Tuesday! That was so fun. Chunkers was such a hoot. She looooved the lion. The boys loved the lemurs and Karina loved the monkeys. I prefer the butterflies and the cute birdies. OH and the turtles..haha they crack me up..such a cute old couple. They're totes adorb. Do turtles mate for life? (goes to google...be back in a second...) According to Wiki..they do not. Oh well.
One thing that I've learned in the past few weeks is that the unknown truly scares me. I don't like doing anything unless I know the end result. I think I feel this way because of my past life experiences and such..but it's really something I need to learn to let go of. I can't live like that. I don't take chances, I hardly ever just live life in the moment..I always have to know what will happen next, and plan accordingly. I'm getting better though. I need to do less thinking..I mean, that's really what it is. I get into my own head, think waaay to much and psych myself out. Not good!

Okay so I'm pretty sure that 78% of this post made absolutely no sense, but whatever.
Blaah... another list...here we go..
I need to:

• Get a hair cut. SOON.
• Clean my hamsters cage.
• Put songs on Karina's pod.
• Get notebooks, folders, pens and pencils for school.
• Work on Alexander's going away present.
• Look into plane tickets for Cali.
• Get some new pants.
• Clean out my car...again.
• Make plans with few friends that I haven't seen in awhile.
  
• aaaaaaaaand sleeeeep.
  

OHkay..well I think I'm done for tonight. More to come, as always. :)

-Kirsitn

Can I please start off by saying...

.it is 1:00 something in the morning and I have the most amazing hair right now and no one is here to witness it. Gah! Haha..

Anywhay...

Okay I'm very sorry for the looooong gaps in between my posts. I really need to keep up with this..and once summer is over, I'm sure I will be able to. So for now I will do a recap of the past weeks...

JULY:
Uuugh. What a horrible month! I really couldn't even tell you what happened day by day, because it all got smooshed together in my head and is now just one big giant horrible day. Stupid July. I don't even know how to explain why it was so bad. Lots of bad moods, lots of fights, not much fun. :( I did so much worrying and stressing over little things that I really should have just put in God's hands and let him help me...but of course, me being my hard headed self, I couldn't and I paid for it. But I'm working on that! And I'm getting better at trusting God with my life more and more. :) Glad I'm out of my July funk! So, I'm thinking I just need to forget that month and move on..
AUGUST:
I can not believe August is half way over! It's crazy how fast time is flying by. This month has been great so far, and I don't see it getting bad anytime soon! I've been hard-core working on my portfolio and I'm feeling better about it everyday. I'm still not completely confident..but who is? August also means CEDAR POINT in a few days!! :D yay!! I can not wait! It is gonna be so much fun! There is also going to be a great garage sale at the Hinsky's that will be fabulous and super fun. I'm in the process of saving for a California trip to visit Alexander in December and so that is something I'm really looking forward to! So that is August in a nutshell.
SEPTEMBER:
The month that by best friend in the entire world moves to Cali. The saddest/happiest month ever. Sad because he is truly by best friend and I don't know what I'm going to do when he is gone. Happy because this is an INCREDIBLE opportunity for him and I am extremely happy for him!!! It's quite a mix of emotions, ones that I'm really trying to think to much about, otherwise I get upset. So moving on...

A few things on my mind this very moment:

• I'm looking for a new church. (this subject deserves it own entire post so I won't really get into that one now, later, I promise)

• I've been thinking about my dad a lot the past few days and...eh, I don't know. There is this song that explains exactly how I'm feeling. "Broken Angel". It's currently my favorite song! Take a listen.

• It's WAY to soon to tell, but I think, maybe just maybe......... I don't know. We shall have to wait and see :)

• I am very happy at the moment, this month has really been good and things are good. I'm gaining a closer relationship with God everyday, and I have no doubt that is doing a great deal to make me feel a better!

Okay well I neeeed to sleep. I have such a busy week ahead of me(but a good one!)
Have a good night, whoever may be reading. :)

-Kirstin

Chicago Trip! :D

AH! So Thursday my mom and I took a trip to Chicago to see the school I could potentially go to. SAIC (School of the Art Institute of Chicago). OH MY GOODNESS. This school was incredible. I've never been so excited about something school related like I am about this!! My mom and I took a tour of the main building(there are 7 buildings total) because that is where most of the fine arts classes are. GAH!! I fell madly in love with this place the second I walked in the door. And it just felt...right. Like I was supposed to be there. I didn't think I would ever find a place that I would absolutely LOVE but I did. The ONLY thing stopping me from going would be money. I just pray that it will all work out!! That's all I can do. But seriously this school is just awesome. It's right in the center of down town Chicago. I would have sooooo many opportunities through the school, like going to other countries..getting internships and other such things. I would always be inspired and would always have someone to talk to about my art! Ugh I looooved it. The dorm rooms were INSANELY cool as well, they had a kitchen(minus oven for safety reasons) with full sized fridge and everything. A full bathroom. Two big closets (one for each person living in the room. duh) and a loft area where you could put a bed or whatever you want. Plus they have a giant studio in the building so I can work there too! Needless to say...it was awesome.
I just felt right at home, and I love the fact that it's not tooooo far from Ft. Wayne..so I could come home whenever I wanted/needed :) It was such a fun trip to go on. I'm so lucky that I have my mom, we bonded and had a blast. Getting lost trying to find the train station, exploring down town Chicago, taking pictures, people watching, eating great food, then running to catch the train back, listening to drunk people on the train, eating at the applebees and finally making it home. ALL IN ONE DAY. So much fun! :D I love my mom.

Dear Diary...

Hhmmm... Well the past couple weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster for me. And because of this I want to just lay in my bed and cry my heart out. But I haven't and I think instead it's coming out as grumpy :( I've been snippy and short with people which is very unusual for me. Things that normally annoy me but I keep my mouth shut about seem to annoy me 54times more now and I'm def letting people know it. NOT GOOD. I honestly think that most of it is lack of sleep...I don't sleep very well lately and I've been crazy busy the past couple weeks, so sleep is rare. And anyone who knows me knows that there are two things I need to keep me happy, nice and myself.. food(haha) and sleep. I'm good on food..its the latter that is lacking in my life. This is no excuse to be mean to people, I know. But I'm hoping I can just get it all out on here and be done with it. Get out of this stupid funk and be myself again. GAH. (deep breath..and go)
I don't understand....
When people have something that they truly do not deserve and do not appreciate!! Especially when there are people like me who deserve it and would appreciate it like non other! Why is it that I pray and hope that I have just an ounce of what they have but I never get it?! uugh. What am I doing wrong? I'm losing faith and its depressing me. (No, not like emo, gonna kill myself depressed so don't freak out!!) I'm just... lonely. Very lonely :(
Why people make sarcastic & mean comments and then laugh after every single one of them as if they are funny. They aren't!! They are just immature and annoying. I can usually deal with this and not let it get to me so much. But seriously..come on! Enough is enough.
How people can be so judgmental when they are supposed to be the ones that accept anyone how they are. No matter what! How they can be so nosy and get all up in other people's business, but when it comes to their own life they would throw a huge fit if anyone knew or talked about anything!

STROLLERS. >:(

I need a change. I don't know for sure what kind of change yet..but I know I need something to change.
I'm worried. I'm always worried. I worry that I won't make it in Art and I can't do anything else. I'm worry that I won't be able to pay for college if I get to one that I love. I'm worried that I am gonna be alone as soon as fall hits. I'm worried that I am never going to connect with my little sister and we'll never be close. I'm worried that when my job ends in Oct. I'm not gonna be able to get another one for months and I'm gonna get in a financial hole. I'm worried that my hamster is going to die soon and I'm gonna cry..even though I don't really care about animals.
=\

I'm gonna go watch Legion and paint my nails. Strollers tomorrow. Then movie's with Bek and Dee!! :D (that will be fun!)

This has probably been the most depressing blog post ever. I'm sorry.
(I do feel better now though. Thanks for letting me vent)

Hmmmm......

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged :( I miss it...I've just been crazzy busy with work and other such things. But I really am going to try and blog more during the summer! I promise. Well..let's see...

Work has been going great! I'm loving my car! I just colored my hair last night for the first time in awhile! And I'm in serious pain from doing races with my family? Haha. Well I don't really have a whole lot to talk about..mostly because I don't really have a life anymore(not that I've really ever had one. Ha) because all I do is wake up, go to work, come home, eat and then crash until the next day where I do the same thing. And on my days off..I'm sleeping. Haha but I'm still finding time for my best friends(duh) but other then that...I NEED to start working on my portfolio...OH! Speaking of that..I finally got more info on that school in Chicago..my mom and I are gonna go visit sometime soon! That will also help me figure out what needs to go into my portfolio. So I kinda don't want to work to hard right now, only to find out it won't even be going in my portfolio..ya know? anyway...Imma go..i've gotta babysit. I'll blog again soon..I hope!

Interesting emontions and contagious moods...

...are what surround me right now. I don't understand why I let one teeny tiny little thing bring me down... something as small as the way someone looks at me. Ugh. I don't know, on one hand I am extremely excited because some great things that have been happening in my life!! And then on the other hand..I'm blah. Just random moods here and there. One minute up and the next down. Not to extremes of course, I hardly ever let them show. They are undetectable unless allow them to be seen. So I'm not bipolar or anything. Haha I can usually work through whatever it is that is bothering me in a short time..so it's hardly ever a big deal. But sometimes certain things just really get to me..and stick with me a little longer than usual. I also hate how someones crappy mood can change my mood. Not everyone's can do this..only some. But then again..I'm okay with people's good moods making me feel better. ...Okay. I'm done talking about this. Moving on....

I'm driving the kids to Indy this Friday and after that I'm staying the night at Michelles!! Yay!! :D I miss her oh so very much. It will be very nice to see her!! I can't wait!!

Today was Karina's 12th birthday! I think she had a good time:) ...Cooper's 16th birthday is tomorrow..so I'll be eating lots of birthday cake for the next few days haha. OhmYgOodnEsS!

I had to do stupid strollers yesterday. ALL day long. I loooove my job. But HATE strollers. People were so grumpy and mean to me, I mean they were just completely rude. gaah. But then H and I chilled till like 1am last night..so that was good! :] ...And poor H had to be strollers today :'( I know how it feels..so she has my sympathy! Weeell. I'm gonna go. I have about 27 mix CD's that I've had since I was like 12 so I'm gonna listen to all of them and write down what is on each of them. Hahah fuuuun night. Okaybye.

CarsLongTalksInParkingLots&Besties

Oh my goodness. I just have SO much to talk about. I don't know where to begin?! Okay, let's just start with the good.... Well..I'M FINALLY GETTING A CAR!!!!!! Ah. Yes! I can not wait!! It's a very long story..but in a nutshell..I would not be able to do this if it weren't for some very amazing people in my life. I'm so incredibly grateful..words can not even express! I'm going car hunting tomorrow! I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight...I'm just THAT excited. Like you don't even understand. I will most def be posting pics of my car when I get in. And I will have to come up with a name(that's a given). Tomorrow is basically going to be an awesome day! Car hunting..then hanging out with my bestie's (Iheartthem)

Today was a pretty much amazing day!
While I was at work today, I met a new co-worker.
Her name is Carly!
We were both doing cash and we totally got along right away!
And let me tell you.
We have SO much in common!!
It's just freaky.
Needless to say...we exchanged numbers.
Haha!
She's pretty cool!

And yesterday I got to spend most of the day with Alex! Which was nice because I haven't seen him in forever and I missed him much!! So all in all this week so far has been pretty amazing!! And this weekend is looking like its gonna be just as great! :]

Now. On to the not so good.
Well..there isn't really anything that has happened.
It's just..ugh.
You know those little tiny things that people say or do that just bug the crap out of you?
Well that's basically how I'm feeling.
I can't really tell you why I'm feeling this way..
well mostly because you'll think I'm crazy and childish.
But also because I don't really know how to put it into words.
I just hate these stupid little things that shouldn't bother me but for some reason..really do.
Goodness.
I'm being dumb.
Oh well..I'm still in a great mood because of my fantastic week! :]

Just a quick blog.

So...I'm just trying to pass the time because I don't have to leave for work

for another 15min.

Which I'm okay with, because I'd rather be early than late!

Hmmm....

So last night was fun!

Got to hang out with two of my best friends.

We watched a stupid scary movie.

YET AGAIN.

Haha! But I love it!

I work until close tonight...so it's going to be a long day!

But at least I get to do something other than monkeys for a change.

I've become very addicted to postsecret!

I'm totally buying all three of the books sooooooon.

I cry almost every time I read them.

I want to send one in and see if I ever see it again.

It kinds looks fun.

Haha.

OKAY.

Well...Imma go and get some water..then drive reeeally slow to work.

:]

BYE.